Lately, I’ve been feeling like a lot of all the customs involved with “getting married” in America are nothing short of a big, pointless, hassle, consumerism at its most effective, emotionally-clad best. Internationally or unintentionally set in the way of well-intentioned brides to keep us from thinking deeply about the larger issues women face when preparing to enter the life- and identity-altering state of actually being married.
One of the deeper issues came up the other night, when my fiance and I ordered his wedding band, and the sales person asked me for my name for the ticket, which I gave, and then prompted me for my “future name,” to which I replied easily, “I’m not sure yet if I’m going to change my name or not,” to which she smiled and said, “I didn’t, and that was ten years ago!” She still had a ring in the appropriate digit to signify the status of married, so I took that to be a sign of approval and success for such a decision, and moved on, focusing on the pearls.
Then one glance over to my sweet fiancé’s poor face revealed what a heart-wrenching statement that off-handed comment was to him. I asked gently, “That really hurt your feelings, didn’t it?” And he admitted that yes, it felt like a blow that I was really, seriously, considering it. This was the first time I’d announced the idea to a stranger, in his presence, at least. So maybe he finally realized I was serious about it.
It was not well received among my inner circle of friends when I tested the idea at a friend’s wedding reception a month or so ago. “Why not?” “You’re crazy,” “What’s the point?” “What about your future children,” and “But, don’t you love him?” were some of the incredulous replies from my closest friends.
But, I’m not too concerned with what other people think – other than my fiancé, whose opinion out of love I choose to weigh with equal or more weight than my own. I’m a forward-thinking gal. One who’s got quite a bit of social capital, personal branding, and presence revolving around the little issue of my name. My name that is unique to me, a quality that many others with “common” names don’t quite get, that I have had to come to grips with anyway, that I have finally accepted and reveled in and embraced, publicly, to the world. My fiance’s last name, on the other hand, is one of the top 10 most common. So yeah, I’m considering keeping mine.
“I thought you were just going to keep writing under your maiden name, but take my name, you know, in life,” he said. Yes, that had been the working plan. About a year ago. A year in which a lot has changed for me. In which I have grown, learned to love my name, as difficult as it is to spell. In which I have struggled anyway with the already great divide between career and life for the modern career woman.
But also a year in which I’ve grown as an individual and a future life mate. In which I’ve tested the merits of compromise, of putting relationships, especially the most important ones, first, and found the choice to be wholly satisfying. In which I’ve chosen to accept the proposal to fully commit my life to that of another, no matter how big or small the issues, a commitment that I take very seriously and am excited to figure out how to operate within in just less than a month.
It’s not the person or the commitment, but rather the culture that puts this sort of identity-crushing expectation of a name change onto women that I have a hard time coming to grips with.
I wrestle with that, with planning for kids, with career plans, with expectations, with all the trappings of being a modern women that are more than minorly complicated when marriage comes into the equation.
By nature, I question all of it, because I know in doing so I will find my own way, whether it follows the beaten path or not. As a product of homeschool, it was proven to me that the unconventional choice, when made with everyone’s best interest in mind, can be incredibly effective.
But out of love, I also realize that in getting married, I’m choosing to commit not just one aspect of my identity to another person. I’m choosing to surrender all of who I am to someone who’s surrendering all of who they are to me. And I realize that the word “surrender” will be highly contested by other forward-thinking women and perhaps men. That’s fine. They don’t have to choose frame this commitment in the same light that I do. But to me, that is quite simply the ultimate description of what real love is. And here’s what it looks like.
After the exchange in the store, my fiancé sat silent for a moment, thinking. Then, he looked at me, with his eyes full of all the love that makes me know I can trust all of myself and my identity to him, and said, “Know what, it’s your name. And in the end, that’s not a decision I’ll ever have to face.” Stripping himself of his pride, of his blind acceptance of a cultural norm neither of us can fully rationalize, he loved me in that moment exactly in the way a forward-thinking gal deeply desires to be loved.
“I will leave it up to you.”
First, let me say that I feel your pain. I made the decision not to take my husband’s name, which by the way, I have never regretted, but I still have to deal with the questions: How will your kids know you’re their mother? (I think they’ll figure it out.) Don’t you love your husband? (Why, yes, I do; thanks for asking.) Was his last name terrible or something? (No, as a matter of fact, it’s not.)
I answer the questions by pointing out that it was a mutually agreed upon decision by myself and my husband. Which is true. But took a little time to settle in with him. Now, though, he’s so used to it that the last wedding we were at, he commented how we had to call our long-time friend by a new last name. “Wow,” he said. “That’s weird.”
Good luck with this decision and the millions more you’ll make before and after the wedding.
The marriage process is over-consumerized, and from a male perspective over-romanticized. 😉 I’m glad to hear you’re thinking outside the box. To my inexperienced ear it also sounds a lot like you guys are getting your difference resolving process started out on the right foot. “I know what I want, but you decide anyway” is one of the best ways to solve problems.
That was a sweet post. Looks like you’re marrying the right man.
And to help you both with your decision, I thought I’d toss in some cultural differences.
In Canada, women must keep their own name when they marry. The law does not allow women to take on their husband’s name. And everyone’s fine with it. He’s marrying you for you, after all, isn’t he?
@ Angela – Thanks for the perspective! It’s funny how over time your thoughts on things like this can change, so it’s good to know it’s not something you regretted. I remember growing up, having a crush on a guy, doodling my first and his last name over everything. Looking back, that seems like such a silly thing, but everyone did it, so why not? Now that it’s something I actually have to face, it doesn’t seem quite so easy as all that. The other day, I e-mailed a friend who just recently got married and now has the same last name as my fiance, and it hit me that if I took his name, I’d share a last name with her – something I have quite literally never experienced for anyone other than my family.
Now, for a question: what’s been the hardest part of the decision for you?
@ Michael – You know, I think that the actual marriage part of the whole deal is just hidden behind so much smoke and mirrors. I don’t reject all the customs and norms of an American wedding, I think many of them are meaningful, even if it’s only within the context of our society. But I am trying to get myself to focus past them and deal with the things that will really impact my life in the long run, and I wish the “wedding industry” didn’t so easily distract other brides from thinking that way. Also, thanks for your kind words! I’m glad that our relationship and love can shine through in a post like this and people can see what we are really like, because when it all boils down, that’s what’s most important to me – our relationship.
@ James – Thanks! I’m convinced he’s the right one – but it really means a lot that other people can see that too. It’s very interesting the bit about Canada – I had no idea! I’ll have to do some research about that. Thanks so much for tossing that into the conversation!
Do children just take their fathers’ surnames or how do they deal with that? Unfortunately for us, the only real working model we have to look at on how this whole thing operates is Hollywood, and most of those couples don’t have very good track records for great marriages!
@ Tiffany – In Quebec and Ontario (the only provinces I’m familiar with on this issue), children receive the surname of the parents’ choice. It can be one, the other, or a hyphenated composed combination of both (as in Smith-Jones).
Children can choose to have their last name legally changed, can drop one of the surnames, can use one surname only in general (but must sign documents using both names), etc etc. They receive three options for when they grow up.
Both my children have composed surnames.
Tiffany, I think you are doing the right thing. Research shows that names are very important in marketing (“personal branding”) whether you have social equity built in or not. Shakespeare got it wrong.
I’m actually shocked to hear that you and Angela are facing questions like “But don’t you love him?” I’d be like, “Hello, that’s why I’m marrying him!” It never occurred to me that taking your fiance’s last name would have any bearing on your love for him.
It’s good that he said it’s up to you. As it should be.
@ James – Hm. Interesting. . . given the length of my current surname I’m not the biggest fan of hyphenation, but I still haven’t made up my mind.
@ Monica – You know, I haven’t decided for sure what I will do, but I’m seriously considering all my options. I know you’re recently married – what did you decide?
I ended up choosing my husband’s last name. My maiden name is Crupe but it’s pronounced crew-pee. Though it’s original, it’s a very weak-sounding last name.
O’Brien is a lot better for me and sounds a lot better in speaking. It’s also easy to write and easy to pronounce. While more common, my first name is a lot less common, and my middle name is Leonelle, so I don’t have a problem usually.
In terms of social equity, you’d be surprised how easy it is to change your name and build social equity again. But I guess I also moved away from my hometown area and changed jobs after I did the name switch. My friends from St. Louis still call me by my maiden name sometimes, but the people I see every day have never known me as anything but Monica O’Brien. I also applied to grad school as Monica O’Brien, so that wasn’t an issue. It sounds like you are in the middle of those things right now, plus you have this blog, so it would be a much bigger deal for you.
The thing is names really matter in a career. One of my friends is going to be a doctor, so her name would be Dr. Andrews. For doctors your entire practice is built off your name, so it has to be a good one. But if she changes her name in December when she gets married it will be something not as professional sounding. She still hasn’t decided, and I know it would bother her fiance for a little bit, but I think he would get over it.
Even though I took my husband’s name, I don’t associate it with our marital status. I know this because if we were to get divorced I would never change my name back to Crupe. I think you have to decide if your name is a symbol of your marital status or not.
Good luck! It sounds like it’s a very hard decision for you, but I also think if your fiance knows that your name is not a sign of your commitment to him, then he will be supportive of your choice, either way.
To be honest, I’ve always known that I would keep my last name – it didn’t matter to me who I was marrying or what his last name was. I always knew this because it was my name – it had been mine for more than two decades and I saw absolutely no reason to change it. It’s who I am.
I’ve never regretted the decision (But, honestly, I didn’t really agonize over it either. Like I said, I always knew.)While some people try to make me feel bad about it, I don’t.
Dan is 100% behind the decision. Occasionally he gets called by my last name (which is a much bigger deal for him than me.) We just laugh and explain to the person. In my daily life, it’s not really an issue at all.
Also, I’m not offended when people address me by my husband’s last name. My in-laws constantly address our mail to the two of us with Mr. and Mrs. I would never say anything to them. I guess I’m pretty laid back about it.
The one thing I haven’t dealt with is having children with a different last name. I think this will pretty much be a non-issue.
You have to do what you and your future husband are comfortable with – whatever that is.
Keep us updated!
@ Monica – You know, I think the whole decision would be a lot easier to make were I not in the stage I am in life right now, so far past college,
already well established in my career in my market, not to mention in the blogging world – I mean, take a look at my blog URL for one! My fiance was the one who really pushed for me to move to this even though we knew we would be getting married.
Add to that the fact that I’m about to finish my master’s degree and just learned that in early May I will revcieve a big professional award in my market(under my maiden name) and it makes the timing complicate matters, for sure. My boss actually took me aside the other day (before I’d written this post) and told me he thought I should keep my maiden name.
That said, it wouldn’t be too late for me to change it, and there are some ways in which a move could be advantageous – easier to spell, for one! So I’m still trying to weigh all the sides.
@ Angela – I haven’t really thought about it growing up. I think I just accepted that it was something you do when you get married, so I just didn’t internalize. Women don’t really even hyphenate their names in the part of the country I’m from.
The web-life aspects of it all further complicate matters. It hit home the other day when someone added me as a Facebook friend with a message telling me he’d run across my name several times doing research for some class project and thought it was cool he could meet someone who was “everywhere” – which besides being sort of flattering, illustrates the whole issue with still writing under my maiden name but “living” under his name. About a year ago, I stumbled across Penelope Trunk’s post about all her different names, and how her pen name eventually became her real name, because it was too complicated the other way. So I’m skeptical about trying that.
Thanks to you both for your input and insight! I’ll keep everyone posted, for sure!
I always intended to keep my last name, for a number of reasons: I like it, I’m the last one in my family line, etc. My husband was perfectly fine with it, and even merrily wore to our rehearsal dinner a shirt I made him that read “Mr. Hutchinson.”
His family has many people to carry on his family name, and if we do have children, they will have my last name instead of his.
I always think of it as an important right to keep my name; in the 19th c. Lucy Stone refused to change her name when she married, and since there was no law to force her to, Mass. enacted a law requiring it. I don’t know when the law was changed back, but I’m glad to have it on my side.
I know I’ve already weighed in – keep your last name. Don’t lose the identity you’ve spent nearly 30 years developing. Love is a commitment and marriage is a union of two people. You are not becoming Mrs. Rob Wilson. You will remain Tiffany Monhollon who happens to be married to Rob Wilson. Has he considered becoming Mr. Rob Monhollon? Just a thought.
@ Sean – Ha! That’s hilarious, actually, because I have an uncle named Rob and he is a family institution. A legend. One year at a family reunion, Rob accidentally picked up my uncle’s name tag, though, so I do have a picture somewhere to that effect! So after that I don’t think he would be too keen on that idea.
Good thought, though!
Tiffany, I really enjoyed reading this post. I enjoyed the opportunity to learn more about you and to revisit my own decision.
I got married 15 years ago and decided not to take my husband’s (perfectly decent) last name. I liked being Heather Mundell and I didn’t think why getting married meant that I had to change my name. My aunt had married a few times and had always kept her last name, so I was not a trailblazer in my family.
I have never regretted my decision! Our daughters have my husband’s last name, and that doesn’t bother me, either. The inconveniences of being a family with two last names in it are minor, compared to my feelings on being able to be Heather Mundell my entire life.
About half the two-parent families I know are families in which the couple doesn’t share the same last name. Nobody bats an eye. This is Seattle, though (not Small Town USA), where nobody bats much of an eye at same-sex couple families and blended families and biracial children, and any other difference from the 1950’s tradition.
I say do what feels right! And it sounds like you have Mr. Right to share that with. How fortunate you are!
@ Heather – Thanks for the insight and encouragement! I think part of the reason people perceive this to be a negative decision is that it seems to imply that I am not really committed to my mate for life, when in fact, nothing could be further from the truth!
I am not going into this thinking, “if I got a divorce, that would make things easier,” but I feel like a lot of people think that would be the only valid reason to make a decision like this.
It’s encouraging to hear how the long-term implications of such a decision play out – well! – for women who make this decision.
That said, I know many high-profile women who marry and change their names – Pamela Slim at Escape from Cubicle Nation is one – and they manage just fine.
So I’m still sort of weighing my options!
Funny how such personal issues become the business of others, and can literally affect one’s own business… I can see how it is a tough decision any way you look at it.
Just a small clarification – in Canada, how surnames change upon marriage varies by province. In Quebec, a woman (or man) who wishes to change names because of marriage must do a legal name-change through the courts, the same as anyone who wants to change their name for non-marriage reasons. In at least some other provinces, though, people getting married have the option of changing their name.
@ Sarai – Thanks for the clarificaiton! I had suspected such in further conversations with Canadians – that it was a provincial thing. Still an interesting trend, however.
You’re right that it is interesting how something so personal becomes so many other people’s business… that part of it really complicates the whole issue!
Using the word “sacrifice” is an interesting choice. The mythologist Joseph Campbell said in the Bill Moyers interviews that, in a love relationship, I don’t sacrifice to you and you don’t sacrifice to me. What actually happens is we both sacrifice to the relationship that we’ve created. So you never have to see a sacrifice as “giving up” something to someone else, which has the whiff of “pound of flesh” blood sacrifice. Instead, you can see it as an act of creation, creating the relationship.
When my wife and I got married, this really wasn’t a question. Her name is MUCH more interesting than mine so she kept it, and I love the confusion it offers the world. My relatives still address Christmas cards to “The Browns”, we get email addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Wing,” etc.
Good luck.
@ Mike – The semantics of relationships are interesting, I agree. I’m glad to hear that things worked out for you and your wife regarding the naming issue! It’s encouraging to hear how it works out in other people’s lives – and that the confusion is lovable rather than not.
Tiffany:
I only recently discovered your blog and am backtracking thru posts. This one really spoke to me.
When I got married 5 years ago, my husband was slightly hurt that I didn’t want to change my name. I run a business and have established an identity as Michelle Lentz, even before social networking. So I went with a combination of the two, making me Michelle S. Lentz XXX. No hyphen.
It drove me nuts and confused the IRS.
It took about 6 months for me to drop the XXXX and just become me again. By then, my husband could have cared less.
There will always be people who ask “But don’t you love him?” I’ve encountered it numerous times. And there are some friends and relatives who don’t understand and who insist on calling me Mrs. Kevin XXXX, which I cannot stand (I have a first name!). But I think, as more millenials like yourself get married and choose to retain their name as part of their “personal brand” so to speak, it will become more common and less folks will question whether we love our husbands.
I just stumbled across your blog, so I’m commenting on this rather late – but I wanted to respond to the lead-in part of the post, re: all the consumerism and high-cost associated with weddings.
Dr. Tantillo did a post on this a while back–on branding your wedding/making it your own, and deciding what matters the most to you. Like the last name decision, it should be a very personal one!
Here’s a link to the full post:
http://blog.marketingdoctor.tv/2008/04/21/dr-tantillos-30second-how-to-how-to-go-brand-your-wedding.aspx
You see I can refuse from my last name till now.But my husband insists on it more often
I finally did it
Best article thank for sharing.